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Nebraska "black shirts" make switch to pink spaghetti tank tops
LINCOLN, Ne. (AP) –
63216192v5_240x240_front_colorlightIf the Nebraska defense is going to play like they have a vagina, they are now going to dress the part.
That’s the collective decision the Cornhuskers made Tuesday as they began practice – minus the legendary Nebraska “Blackshirts” that are traditionally worn by the defensive starters and a select few other players.
So, Nebraska fans, get ready for the “Pink Spaghetti Strap Tank Tops.”
Nebraska coaches and players announced today that the defense will make the switch instead to a pink spaghetti strap tank top, which is far more appropriate to the level of the defense’s play. Which is reminiscent of a whiny vagina.
“We are like a vagina,” said defensive coordinator Kevin Cosgrove, whose name is identical to Kevin Costner’s if you take out the ‘grove’ and replace it with ‘tner.’ “And I’m the leader. The alpha-puss. It all starts with me. And my whorish vagina of a defense.”
“Why do I call it a whorish vagina,” asked Kevin Cosgrove, who will be referred to as Kevin Costner for the duration of this article. “Because we’re worn looser than Paris Hilton on Sunday mornings. I mean, if you can’t score on Nebraska, you don’t have shit for game. I mean no game. I mean like ‘Napoleon Dynamite game.’ No, like ‘Napoleon-Dynamite-as-a-deaf/mute-onion-breath-gelding game.’ I mean like you couldn’t get laid as Brad Pitt game.’ I mean like ‘couldn’t get laid in an Amsterdam nymphomaniac whorehouse with an open briefcase full of cash, an Ashton Kutcher facelift, and a note from your doctor certifying you have a 12” cock.’”
The Cornhuskers are giving up an average of eleventy billion yards a game this season, which ranks last both in the Big 12 and in the Nebraksa University Sorority Intramural League. Their once-potent rushing defense ranks 106th in the country. That is in stark contrast to a defensive unit that has consistently ranked among the best in the nation for decades.
“Trying to score on Nebraska used to be like trying to storm the beaches of Normandy,” said Kevin Costner. “And today, it’s still like still like trying to storm the beaches of Normandy. In 2007. Because who the fuck is going to be there to stop you? No one. They're all gone.”
Nebraska began awarding black practice jerseys in 1962 under coach Bob Devaney, who needed a way to identify defensive players during practices.
So he sent an assistant coach out to a nearby sporting goods store to buy practice jerseys for his defense. Unable to get enough jerseys of one color to outfit the entire squad, Devaney made the decision to give the first-string players the black ones.
Since then, Nebraska’s defensive unit has become nationally known as the "Blackshirts." Until, however, they began blowing cock.
And things may not turn around anytime soon. Four Cornhusker defenders are questionable for Saturday’s game due to “cramping associated with a menstrual cycle.”
“We’re not getting any better,” said Kevin Costner. “We have a pretend vagina for a defense. We have an imaginary friend defense. They aren’t real. Like in ‘Field of Dreams.’ Only they’re worse. Much worse. We have a whorish, imaginary vagina, ‘Field of Dreams’ defense."
"If you run it, they will cum.”
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