The whimsical tale of Bud Martin

The following transcript is real and it was recorded on a public server…
Bask in its glory.

Many thanks to Hogg for researching this ancient text.

(Armus in mid-sentence, Hapy singing, assrott contributing blasts of static)
Armus (agitated): … and I’ll guarantee you’ll be banned from mine. Both of mine!
Smith (text): bOTH OF YOURS?
Smith (text): you have two?
Pliskin (text): that song was kind of catchy
Smith (text): lefty AND righty?
(Hogg shoots Armus repeatedly. FF is off.)
Hapy: I’m on your head, Armus. Am I gonna get banned for that?
Armus: Your whole clan is gonna get banned.
Hapy: Oh REALLY?
Armus: That’s right. You can forget TG, Mx, RR’s, or YG for that matter!
Hapy: What’s YG stand for? You’re gay?
Smith(?): Your authoritative tone is cutting me as hard as a diamond in an ice storm.
Armus: You little boys don’t know what the heck you’re messing with.
Hapy: Armus, does your dad work at Steam?
Armus: They’re a bunch of little jerks, smouth- smart mouthing off, and they’re gonna get in trouble.
Hapy: Armus, does your dad work for Steam?
(Armus in mid-sentence)
Armus: You’re worse than that, because you’re a little punk.
Hapy: Ow! Hang on, I need to recover from that comeback.

Armus: AND, you’re an ignorant little punk too!
Pliskin (text): can’t we all just get along?
Pliskin (text): plz
Armus: I don’t cheat! I do not cheat, and I have never cheated!
Hapy: I did not cheat… (interrupted)
Armus: I have a very expensive set of headphones, and if I hear you coming I will prefire.
Pliskin (text): lol
(Armus in mid-sentence)
Armus (agitated): … I’ll look you up! I’ll show up on your doorstep! And I’ll do more than just talk!
Pliskin (text): he’s going to internet detective your asses
Armus: You got that, punk!
Armus: You don’t know what you’re messing with, boy, you better shut up and get yourself straight on stop bitchin on me.
(Smith begins giving his address over text chat)
Smith (text): Come on over, “son” 🙂
Hapy: OK – wait – Armus, just so we’re clear, what are we messing with?
Hapy: OK you can’t answer now, I’m dead.
Armus: … a bunch of myg0t jackasses anyway.
Armus: Yes I did. I got your IP addresses and your Steam ID. And I’m recording it.
Armus: What, the myg0t? You’re just like the myg0t clans. All they wanna do is screw with people. They don’t even know what they’re talking about. And they’re probably… more knowledgeable about hacks than I am!
Armus: Talk to anybody on this server. Talk to anybody on this server, who works here as a regular. You’ll know I don’t hack.
Armus: Talk to the clan! The head of the clan! He’s a personal friend of mine.
Armus: I don’t have blatant hacks! If anything, you’re –
Hapy: Personal friend? Like butt-buddy?
Armus: I call him a personal friend. He’s married. Has kids. I have kids.
Hapy: Do you drive a Dodge Stratus.
Armus (indignant): No. I drive an Acura… TL.
Armus: I own my own business, and I do what I wanna do.
Hapy (uncontrollable laughter): I –
(Smith changes his name to “I drive an Acura… TL”)
Hapy: CUT that bitch off!
(Armus in mid-sentence)
Armus: ‘course I can get that from tracerouting the IP. It’ll take me a while to hack the uh – uh – the – LAN hack the server, the ISP, but I can do it.
Hapy: (asking Armus a question, but Armus shouts over him)
Armus: I know how to LAN hack! I’ve been a, I’ve been, uh, uh, a network engineer for years!
Armus: LAN HACK YOUR ISP. That’s different.
Pliskin (text): dude guys, he’s going to hack your gibsons
(all express extreme hilarity at “LAN hack your ISP”)
Pliskin (text): i’m going to lan hack your mom
Armus: I went and took care of one of the myg0t guys, up in Michigan; I’ll take care of you too.
(Pliskin changes his name to “LAN HACK YOUR ACURA TL”)
Armus: You bunch of jackasses aren’t gonna chase me off. Go on the other team so I can kill you!
(Smith in mid-sentence, speaking slowly and emphatically)
Smith: HOME ADDRESS. WRITE THIS DOWN. (recites his complete address) That’s my home address. You don’t have to look me up or hack my ISP, LAN hack my ISP, just get in your Acura TL and drive here.
Armus: And, uh, what’s your last name?
Smith: (gives and spells his last name)
Hapy: (garbled)
(Pliskin changes his name to “IM FALLING FOR ARMUS <3”)
Smith: Yeah, send a mailbomb, because uh, (bursts out laughing), send a mailbomb cuz (stifling more laughter) someone accused you of cheating on a server.
Armus: I don’t have any wallhacks, never have, never did.
Armus: I don’t hack, never have hacked, never will hack.
Hapy: I hacked your mom last night.
Smith: What about LAN hacking? What about LAN hacking? I thought you did the LAN hacking.
Armus: That’s not – that’s not game hacking.
Smith: That’s not hacking? That’s not hacking?
Armus: No.
Smith: You didn’t say game hacking.
Armus: That’s not game hacking.
Smith: You didn’t say game hacking.
Armus: ahh, OK, well…
Hapy: I hacked your mom last night.
(Pliskin changes his name to “team.ArmusWallz Pliskin”. All follow suit, and Pliskin is invited to the forum. He says “You spelt clown wrong btw.”)
Hapy: Armus, I’m not sure 12-10 is, uh, good enough for this server. I’m gonna have to ask you to try a little harder.
Hapy: Armus, you die too fast, I can’t talk to you.
Hapy: (sings)
Armus: (garbled)… cuz you’re probably a coward, just as much as being a jackass.
Armus: … and a punk. course you’re a punk. That goes without standing. (?)
Armus: Jerks like you are a dime a dozen, and they go every time. They don’t stay. They go. Believe me, you won’t be here long.
Armus: You’re all a bunch of failures in life. Every last one of you. Are just failures in life. You are.
Armus: That’s right.
Hapy: Yeah. No –
Armus: Namby-pambies, just trying to act big, to cover up your inadequacies and your small little you-know-whats.
Hapy: Yeah. And I don’t own my own business or Acura TL. And I’m not currently 12-10 on a lame server.
Armus: You can’t believe anything you people say.
Hapy: OK
Armus: You’re all a bunch of cowards.
Hapy: OK, I do own my own business and Acura TL and I am 12-10. Sorry.
Armus: Oh yeah! Oh yeah! I believe that.
Hapy: OK.
Armus: Like I believe all of you guys – (cut off)
Hapy: You’re the man now.
Armus: I’ll show you who the man is! You just wait and see! I’ll show you with my actions.
Hapy: Good. I’m glad that you draw so much self-worth by your actions in a video game.
(Long interlude where Armus is the last one alive and tries very hard. He kills all but one terrorist, who has planted the bomb at A. Armus charges in as the bomb is about to explode. The terrorist jumps out from the bomb’s location and kills Armus with a knife. The bomb explodes.)
Armus: I won’t LAN hack it. I’ll take it out of the uh, computer, that the other guy gave me the address. I’ll take it out of his computer.
Armus: I’ll just take it out of his computer. All your friends, you know? I’m sure you have some kind of, you know, emails to you.
Hapy: Armus, it’s rare to see such a manly display on – (cut off)
Armus: You kids don’t know what you’re dealing with, so… You punks come on, you think you know who people are, you don’t.
Hapy: I know you!
Armus: And you wanna know me! (?)
Armus: Joke while you can.
Armus: You keep it up.
Hapy (singing): He cast a spell, a spell on me, oh Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarmus.
Hapy: Don’t worry Armus, I killed the guy that killed you.
Hapy: I’m only talking about Armus. … We can dig it!
Armus: Depends on what’s in your friend’s computer.
Smith (text): I don’t even own a computer…
Armus: How much I can get information on you.
Armus: I’ll have to case it out.
Armus: Don’t wanna go in while the iron’s hot. I gotta wait til you guys forget it.
Hapy: Armus, you’re so strong.
Armus: No, I’m not strong. I’m just a mean son of a gun. And I don’t forget things.
Hapy: It’s good that you hold grudges against people from video games. That’s healthy.
Armus (indignant): No, I hold grudges against jerks –
Hapy: No, no!
Armus: – that try to lie, and, and, kick people off just because they’re not doing well.
Hapy: Yeah, let it out, let it all out.
Armus: Yeah! I do!
Hapy: Come on, talk to me. Yeah.
Armus: You’re ruining my gaming experience, so I’m gonna pay you back, and show you what it’s like in real life.
Hapy: Ohhhhhh, OK, OK.
Armus: You might not have any children when I’m through with you.
Hapy: It’s healthy. That’s what it is. Letting it all out. Armus, who hurt you? Was it daddy?
Armus: No, it was the Marine Corps. Eight years in the Marine Corps damaged me.
Smith (text): Thank you, for serving.
Armus: All the people you have to kill, just makes you sort of a mean, cruel son of a gun.
Armus (indignant): No, I’m just trained to kill.
Armus: Actually it was more of a hobby. It became less professional and more of a hobby later on in my career. That’s why I had to leave.
Assrott (text): no one brags about killing people
Hapy: Those are good fantasies to have.
Armus: I enjoyed it too much, y’know?
Smith: (inaudible) … on the internet?
Armus: Well – I – no, there was no computers back then. There was no PCs.
Hapy: Armus, did you once shoot a man in Reno, just to watch him die?
Armus: No, I had enough of that already. I believe in quick, quick kills. Merciful kills.
Hapy: Armus, is there anything else you’d like to share with the group? We’re all here to help you.
Armus: I don’t believe in sharing.
Hapy: OK Armus, you cry now.
Armus: I cry quietly.
Assrott (text): ur mom didn’t cry quietly last night
Hapy: You do cry…
Armus: I cried when Reagan died. I cried when the Challenger blew up.
Hapy: Armus, boys don’t cry.
(in response to Hogg asking “What did Christa McAuliffe say to her husband before she left for work?”)
Armus: I don’t know, but I did meet her, once.
Hapy: Did you do her? Did you totally do her?
Armus: She was in the bong (?) locker when they bringing some cables from, uh, the SRV that failed with (garbled) failures and she, was touring the facility at the time.
Hapy: Was she hot?
Armus: No. … She was a good mother and a good teacher. From Connecticut.
Armus: I did see when they brought her body back. She was like Jell-O.
(responding to Hogg saying “I look forward to meeting you”)
Armus: No you don’t.
Hapy: I do.
Smith (text): what should I expect? a package? a letter? You on my front door?
Armus: No, you don’t even know you do.
Hapy: You’re a real inspiration to all of us, Armus.
Armus: No I’m not.
Hapy: No, you are.
Armus: You could never become me. You’re punks. Punks could never become me.
Hapy: Armus, you’re the kind of people that make America great.
Armus: Make America great? I make America mean.
Hapy: See? That’s exactly what I’m talking about.
Armus: Yeah, I have all my relatives in the military right now. What about you? How come you’re not in the military?
Armus: Done anything brave in your life?
Armus: Whoopie-cay-aye.
Hapy: Yeah, Armus, I have done something brave in my life. I joined this server even though I knew you were on it. I just had to meet you in person. Over the internet.
Armus: No you didn’t. You never did anything brave.
Smith (text): its brave, I poasted my address..
Hapy: No! I played with you!
Armus: You hang with a group of poor people that like harangue one person because you get beat once.
Hapy: Well –
Armus: What a pitiful crew you are.
Hapy: Actually, we do it because you’re such an easy target. You play right along.
Armus: I’m not easy. I’m not easy. I’m hard, and you don’t know how hard I’m gonna be on you. You just wait! Your time is coming!
Hapy: No, see, you see what you’re doing right now?
Smith: Your mom’s easy.
Hapy: What you’re doing right now? That’s the kind of stuff we live for. Cuz it’s so great.
Armus: No, I think you’re just cowards. It just takes one of you. And the rest will probably shit their britches, and y’know, keel over dead from fear.
Assrott: Hey, can you guys hear me?
Hapy: Yeah, that sounds about right.
Assrott: Armus, do you know what statutes are, and laws? … Armus?
Assrott: Yeah.
Assrott: They make laws about – (garbled, under Hapy)
Hapy: No, I don’t think Armus plays Pokemon.
Assrott: They’re cute little laws.
(All, singing Gregorian chant): Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarmus…
Armus: Hell, I’m wasting all your time.
Hapy: Yeah, cuz –
Assrott: My life is meaningless except for video games, remember?
Hapy: Yeah, normally at three in the morning, y’know, I’m not playing Counter-Strike.
Assrott: Armus, let’s be friends!
Hapy: Armus, I’ve got a suicide pact with you. If you die, I die. Deal?
Armus: Sure, go ahead.
Hapy: Thanks, buddy.
Assrott: I LAN hacked your mom’s ISP last night.
Hapy: Armus, you think tomorrow we could go out and maybe toss the football around a little?
Smith: Hey Armus, you wanna have a catch?
Hapy: Armus, you are the VIP!
Assrott (gay deep CS bot voice): Protect the VIP. … I’ve spotted the delivery boy.
Hapy: Armus, that’s two rounds and two deaths! I’m not sure –
Armus: I don’t have any problem with losing in a round, when a guy shoots me fair and square.
Hapy: (garbled)
Armus: See, that was a good one.
Hapy: You let us down, Armus. You let one man beat all of us.
Armus (amused): I’m actually trying to help him win!
(in response to Hogg offering to buy Armus lunch before he kills him)
Armus: No, I never hurt on a full stomach.
Assrott: Coffee, then. That’ll wake you up.
(Hogg suggests tea and crumpets)
Armus: No. No social experiences for me.
Assrott: I hurt ur mom on a full stomach last night.
Armus: No my mama’s dead. You didn’t do anything to my mama unless you went to her grave.
Hapy: No, sorry Armus, I don’t play Pokemon.
Hapy: Did the Marines kill her?
Armus: No, she died of old age.
Assrott: Was her name Christa McAuliffe?
Hapy: Did your mom fuck with you? Is that it?
Armus: No, I never met my mom. My father killed her.
Armus: My dad killed my mom and went to jail, then got executed.
Hapy: Now you’re just making stuff up, Armus.
Smith: Yeah, just turn your walls back on, dude.
Hapy: How’d you know he was there, Armus? That was pretty, uh, astute of you.
Smith: Maybe he’s a precog, like in AI.
Hapy: Armus, you don’t have to lie to us to impress us. You’ve already – you know. You’re already awesome.
(Hogg inquires after the length, in inches, of Armus’s penis)
Hapy: It’s a firehose, right?
Armus: I’ve never measured it.
Hapy: Is it like a firehose?
Smith: Pics or shens.
Armus: I’ve never measured it.
Smith: Pics or shens.
Armus: I’m not insecure like some people.
Armus (stumbling over words): Uh, I – No, I – I’m just married, and, have kids.
Smith: I use mine for suspenders.
Armus: I’ve only been with one woman, so I really wouldn’t know.
Smith: What are your kids’ names?
Armus: Brutus, Cashes, Cletus, and Caesar.
Smith: Are they… are they pit bulls?
Armus (amused): Mmm, sometimes I think so!
Hapy: Are they the faces on Mt. Rushmore?
Armus (matter-of-fact): No.
Hapy: Really?
Armus: Yep.
Hapy: Well, knowing you, I figured they would be. You’re that great.
Armus: Oh, no, I’m not great. I know who great people are. I’ve met great people.
(I have no fucking clue what the next noise is)
Armus: I – I’ve met, uh, Dr. Werner Von Braun once, now that’s a great guy.
Armus: No, no, I actually, I actually knew his son.
Hapy: I’m sorry, Armus, I don’t listen to hip-hop.
Armus: Magnus. I actually hit him in the head with a pine cone at a picnic once.
Hapy: Was he straight outta Compton?
Assrott: At a party?
Armus: Yeah, before my dad killed my mom, he was actually at NASA.
Hapy: Your mom was at NASA?
Armus: My dad was. He was a senior computer scientist.
Assrott: Did the – (garbled)
Hapy: You said you didn’t have computers back then. How did that work?
Armus: IBM mainframes! IBM mainframes! They didn’t have, uh PCs.
Smith: Did you ever see an alien?
Armus: Uh, on TV.
(Hogg asks if Armus is Homer Hickham)
Armus: I’ve met Homer. I know him very well. I live about three miles from him.
Armus: You wanna know – You wanna know something? I haven’t told you a lie yet! … Except for my kids’ names; I wouldn’t tell you my kids’ names.
Armus: Do you know the original title to Homer’s first book? … I do.
Armus: … No, it’s Torpedo Jackson. It was a military history documentary. October Sky, was the movie that was made after his original book which was Rocket Boys. I’ve known Homer since, jeez, I guess 19… 81.
Assrott: You ever meet Chris Cooper?
Armus: No, I don’t know the name. I met John McCain.
Assrott: He was Homer Hickam’s dad in October Sky.
Armus: Oh, then I did meet him. Not personally, but I saw him.
Assrott: This guy I know, him and her got it on!
Armus: He actually came to, uh, where I live once. To do a presentation on, uh, the movie.
Armus (amused): Why don’t you all go T and play against me?
Hapy: Armus, we wouldn’t stand a chance. I’m happy just sitting here on CT.
(Hogg asks how he’ll know it’s Armus who kills him)
Armus: Well, I don’t like to make big fanfares. I’ll just do it.
Armus: I’ll leave – I leave a sign on your carcass.
Hapy: Armus, it’s not revenge unless the victim knows it.
Assrott: It’s not revenge unless the balls touch.
Smith: A thumb in the anus does not constitute a sign.
Assrott: Yeah.
Smith: I didn’t think the Marines left carcasses.
Assrott: No one left behind. … Then we EAT ‘EM.
(Hogg asks if Armus has eaten a man)
Armus: No, I don’t think I’ve eaten anybody.
Hapy: Why, it’s never too late to start.
Smith: Would you like to eat me?
Armus: I had a drill instructor that ate a gook. He ate his uh, brains, for proof of his… masculinity.
Armus: I knew another, uh, Marine, that uh, killed his barber one day. When his barber tried to cut his throat. At night. He thought he was just a South Vietnamese, but he turned out to be a…
Armus: He thought he was a…
Armus: … South Vietnamese, but he wasn’t. He was a Viet Cong.
Hapy: That is so interesting. I would like to hear more. Please tell.
Armus: Well he was in a movie called, uh, DI, by, y’know, with the movie star Jack Webb, from… oh, what was the name of that TV series…
Hapy: I didn’t know that. That is… that is so insightful and deep.
Armus: He played the guy that uh, went over the hill in the movie.
Smith: Which brings us back to Chris Klein.
Hapy: No. No guy could go over a hill, Armus.
Armus: Well, that’s the terminology they use in the Marine Corps, from when they uh, run away from boot camp. Some get killed when they do that.
(Hogg asks if Armus killed any deserters)
Armus: I killed somebody from my country…
Hapy: What country was that?
Smith: What if they deserted your country?
Assrott: Canada?
Armus: I guess you could say I killed people that attacked me…
Smith: Like verbally? Like, verbal attacks on the internet, like you kill people for that?
(someone finally joins the other team and a round plays out)
Hapy: Armus, I failed.
Armus: Nah, no, the only thing that I want to be known for is that I’m going to be… planted on Mars.
Armus: No, my sons promised to bury me on Mars. (garbled word) plains. On the face of Mars, y’know?
Hapy: Armus, you just flashed me. Why? Why would you do that?
Armus: Aww, I was flashing myself. I didn’t mean to catch you.
Hapy: You flashing yourself to give the other team a chance?
Armus: Yeah. I figured he could kill me easier when I went around the corner.
Hapy: Or did you flashbangs turned off cuz you’re a cheater?
Armus (indignant): Nooo, I’m not a cheater, and I didn’t have flashbangs turned off.
Hapy: Uh-huh. So, you’re just running around, while flashed, by accident?
Hapy: Cuz you don’t have walls, or whatever, y’know…
Armus: You really don’t understand Counter-Strike hacks, for you to say that.
Hapy: Then explain it to me. Since you seem to have a real deep knowledge of Counter-Strike hacks, from many years of usage?
Armus: No, I don’t have use of them, but I –
Hapy: Oh, so you’ve never used them? Oh –
Armus: I run –
Hapy: You can’t have it both ways.
Armus: Let me finish. I’ve run two clans, and we did have to run demos and figure out who’s hacking. I know Durd (?) over on CAL… Anti-Cheat. And he gave me a tool, to help me find out who’s hacking.
Hapy: And you have an intimate knowledge of how that tool works?
Armus: Yeah, it’s just a config.
Hapy: You’re an expert?
Armus: No, it’s just a config. What it does is it turns off certain features of the game when you’re running back a demo and playing it, and it tells you whether that person is tracking people through walls, and it also tells you the commands that they’re typing in the keyboard as things happen!
Armus: Aw, no, I’m not even… this is my first year of playing CAL.
Hapy: Well wait, Armus –
Armus: I don’t even have any idea how good I am compared to CAL players, but I could tell you –
Hapy: Armus, we’re all CAL players.
Armus: I could tell you that there are CAL-M players that I play with that just own me up, a guy named Wraith, with Chaos…
Hapy: You don’t say. CAL-M players own you up. That’s interesting.
Armus: Well he only played one year-
Hapy: Nonono, Armus, Armus, see where I’m going with this?
Armus: No… sorry…
Hapy: All of us are CAL-M. And we are actually owning you up, so, kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy, isn’t it?
Armus: Well you just might run into our team, then. We’ll have a CAL-M team out there soon.
Hapy: Sure you will, big boy.
Armus: No, me, I won’t be on it. Nobody on my – I’m not anywhere good enough, anyone in the clan, uh, compared to me, is better. There’s only uh, maybe five or six young kids that are worse than me.
Assrott: Armus, what state do you live in?
Armus: Right now? I live in Alabama.
Assrott: I uh, are you a college football fan by any chance?
Armus: I told you I live where Homer Hickam lives. All you have to do is go to his website, and you’ll see that I live right next to him. I know his wife pretty good, too.
(All): Ohhhhhhhhhhh!
Hapy: I bet you do! You dawg!
Smith: In the physical sense?
Armus: His wife likes my son, and uh, she’s barren, that’s why she’s – she wanted to have a son like I did. I guess I got lucky. He graduated from the Air Force Academy. Cadet in the Air Force now.
(Armus goes into B and we block all the exits)
Armus (tittering uncontrollably): You trapped me!
Hapy: We got you now, Armus.
Armus: Yeah, you did.
Hapy: (garbled, under Armus’s tittering)
Armus: This is my box! Stay away!
Hapy: Oh Armus, you so crazy.
Assrott: Did they prepare you for this in the Marines?
Armus: Mmm, no, I don’t think so. I think a couple guys tried this in the Marine Corps on a couple of guys, and they ended up on the brig for, uh, doing unspeakable things.
Armus: I once saw a gay guy get, get killed by a bunch of Marines, uh, I wasn’t participating in that one.
Assrott: Well queers aren’t people, so good for them.
Armus: He used a 12-gauge shotgun to blow his head off, it was a pretty clean kill.
Assrott: I am in a world of shit, Armus.
Armus: I don’t use a shotgun. It’s too crude.
Smith: What do you use?
(Hogg guesses knife)
Armus: No, no, I use a .357.
Smith: Are you – are you going to use a .357 when you come to my house?
(Armus joins the other team)
Armus: Guess I’ll have to play you now.
(Everyone else joins the other team as well, except one AFK. Armus switches teams during each of the next several rounds. All follow him)
Assrott: Armus. Do you like football?
Assrott: Hey Armus, do you like college football?
Armus: I’m sorry, I can’t hear you.
Assrott: Are you a fan of college football?
Armus: Oh yeah. Big fan.
Assrott: Are you an Auburn fan?
Armus: No.
Assrott: Oh, OK. I’m a Nebraska fan, and Auburn smoked us in the Cotton Bowl.
Armus: Well, maybe we oughtta have a coach at Alabama for a change. Someone who looks like he knows what he’s talking about.
Assrott: I could know a lot for 40 million a year, shit. … Do you like the Tide?
(Armus switches yet again, but when Hogg tries to follow, he crashes to desktop. Others report that Armus also must have crashed, as he disconnected.)
(Exeunt omnes.)

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